6. Dealing My Anxiety With iBogaine.
About 7 months ago I developed anxiety. It started off with a feeling of tightness in my head and soon developed into panic attacks. I was feeling like a prisoner inside my own mind. I life was so hard and unpleasant to live that I was having suicidal thoughts. The anxiety persisted for several months and I was walking around so hyped all the time I started suffering from hypervigilance. I would see distortions and trails in my vision and I would hear buzzing and beeping sounds from time to time. I somehow managed to convince myself that it was the beginning of schizophrenia. I started worrying that I would lose my job and all my friends and end up in a mental asylum. Every time I would hear a beep or a buzz in my ears I would have intense panic attacks.
At some point I set myself a goal to become free from anxiety no matter how long it would take or how hard it would be to achieve this goal.
After watching and reading about Aubrey Marcus’ experience with iboga I decided that I owe it to myself to give it a try. I did some research and decided on an ibogaine facilitator in Thailand. After making contact with him, I was asked to provide a bit of information about myself and the reasons for wanting to do ibogaine. I also had to go and do an ECG and a blood test to prove that my heart and liver were healthy.
Three months later I travelled to a tropical island in Thailand. I checked into a hotel room which was booked by the facilitator and later that night I met him (Sasha) and his wife who works as a nurse. I later found out that Sasha used to be an investment banker before becoming an ibogaine facilitator full time which gave me a great sense of respect for him. Both he and his wife were very pleasant, spiritual people which made me feel like I was in good hands. Sasha and his wife take turns in sitting next to the patient for the entire time they are on ibogaine. They constantly check the patients’ blood pressure, breathing and heart rate and give the patient water to drink.The next morning Sasha came over. We had a brief chat about what to expect over the next 24 hours and I took a test dose to make sure my body did not have any adverse reactions to ibogaine. After the test dose went down fine I took the flood dose which consisted of 8 large capsules and lied down in my bed with a towel over my eyes to help with the light sensitivity that was to come.
About an hour later I noticed the ibogaine coming on when I started hearing mechanical sounds. It sounded like someone was operating a drill or a whipper snipper outside of the hotel room. For the next 8 hours I experienced seeing geometric patterns similar to those that you would see on Ayahusca. I was expecting to feel extremely noxious after reading dozens of peoples testimonials about ibogaine but the feeling never came. At times I would notice how weak and how slow my heart beat was and how shallow my breathing was. I remember thinking to myself: “My body is in such a weak state right now that I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t get through this experience”
Late into the night I started having extremely vivid visions. They were as real as reality itself. So realistic that I completely forgot I was on ibogaine. All of the visions had a cartoony look to them. I remember seeing beautiful lightning bolts and gorgeous flowers and thinking to myself: “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful in my life.” There were two medieval beings who were helping me process childhood traumas and told me some things about my future. In hindsight, after having time to reflect on this experience I believe the visions were a way for my subconscious mind to communicate with me to tell me where I went wrong and what I needed to do to fix it.
About 20 hours later the sun began to rise and the visions wore off, they were so real that I was convinced that I actually experienced them in the physical realm. When Sasha told me he was going to leave me on my own for a couple of hours I was feeling scared because I was afraid to be left alone with the beings that I had encountered. After Sasha left I got up to go to the toilet for the first time in 20 hours or so. Once I got up I started feeling noxious and immediately purged. The after taste of purging ibogaine was very sour however it was not anywhere near as foul as the taste of purging ayahuasca.
A few hours later, I had a shower and was back in bed as I was feeling very weak. Sasha came over and we had a discussion about what had occurred over the past 24 hours. He told me it would be normal to feel depressed over the next 2 days and that I would have trouble sleeping. He gave me a bunch of vitamins to help regulate the brain chemistry and to assist with sleep. I did not feel any depression at all instead I felt like my mind was in a state of zen. There was no trace of anxiety what so ever. For the next 4 days or so I mostly rested in my hotel room. When I went outside I would experience a whistling sound in my ears and a feeling of as though there was an aura around me. Sasha told me it was a normal experience after taking ibogaine. I did not get much sleep but when I slept I had extremely vivid dreams. Some were dark and some were pleasant dreams.
After I returned back home I started noticing the anxiety slowly coming back but I never worried or got disappointed. I took up meditating every day and started flooding my mind with positive thoughts which has helped me greatly. I also started reading books and watching videos on the power of the subconscious mind and positive thinking. It has been two and a half months since my ibogaine journey and my anxiety is barely noticeable and I fully believe that being anxiety free is a reality with an imminent arrival. I feel extremely motivated to be the best me I can be and to pursue all my dreams and goals until they become a reality. Taking ibogaine was a very powerful experience which shifted my outlook on life in a positive direction. Having 12 previous ayahuasca ceremonies to compare to my ibogaine journey I feel that ibogaine should be in its own category of psychedelics. I feel it was a much more effective and powerful tool for my problems. It was such a direct experience, I felt like I went deep inside mine subconscious and got to communicate to with my soul.
I am thankful for Abrey Marcus sharing his experiences with ibogaine and ayahuasca because without his brilliant point of view and advice I am doubtful that I would have tried either of them. Shasha stays in touch with all of his patients, he told me that I had been upgraded to a higher consciousness which I am now starting to understand what he meant by that. I am cognizant of always saturating my mind with positive thoughts and my outlook for the future is very positive. I have an undeniable believe that everything is going to be just fine. In my experience, the 24 hour trip was nowhere near as arduous as I expected and I recommend ibogaine to anyone that is having a mental problem and needs a positive shift in their life.