IBOGAINE THAILAND

I have no recollection of booking myself in for an Ibogaine treatment with Sasha, I wish I could say that iboga had called me, but that would be a lie. Instead, I think it was an act of desperation, me giving this life one last try before opting for what felt at that time like the best and only option. I was being consumed by the overwhelming intensity of my own mind fueled by what felt like never-ending self-inflicted suffering. The world outside of my head almost ceased to exist and the one within was a living hell. The Ibogaine treatment became my lifeline for I had no plan B. Despite everything I had read about psychedelic therapy, I had little understanding of what would happen during and after the session. Every experience seems to be very personal and from what I see now the plant gives you exactly what you need. In my case, although I set some intentions and prepared my questions, nothing went to plan but that was exactly what I needed. Sasha helped me a lot in preparation for the treatment, I felt safe and guided, I knew I had to put my trust in him and Iboga if I had any hope for a positive change. 

At first, my experience was very dark and intense with very little personal insights. The best way I can describe it is seeing all the human suffering from the beginning of times. I saw famished prehistoric man struggle to survive, I died in a medieval battle, got my arm severed and then killed by a Napoleon soldier, I witnessed another battle, the II World War this time and then Russian soldiers of the Putin’s army marching in some field in Ukraine. Just when I thought my suffering was over, the visions changed into a different kind of hell. The world I found myself in was all grey and ugly, I was drowning in a swamp of brownish slime, there were some dead trees suffocated by their own roots climbing up the trunks. I was having one thought that this was the only world I could create, ugly, void of any beauty, light or detail. The voice in my head was telling me: “this is you who is creating this misery; this is all on you, all your fault”. I tried and tried to imagine a flower or something of beauty and sophistication, but it was all in vain as every flower would eventually turn into dust or slime. I started to feel desperate, iboga was stubbornly silent giving me no answers, showing me no signs of any potential solutions to my problems. Just then, I decided to accept it all and go with the flow and it suddenly got brighter, I could finally breathe. I saw my daughter’s face and all of a sudden, I could feel all the suffering I had caused her by not being present, by being a dead mother to her. Then, I had the similar experience with my husband, whose trust I had betrayed so many times. I didn’t see anyone from my family. Iboga indicated that this was not the right time for it. I also didn’t see the one man I thought I’d see. Finally, I spotted some light on the horizon, but to get there I had to climb out of my featureless hell to see the world of beauty and unconditional love. I knew it was waiting for me there, but I never got there, the visions stopped, and I was back to the real world. 

The night after my experience I cried a lot, for all the people I hurt in my life. I could feel their pain as if it was my own. Then, in the morning I woke up with a crystal clear mind, so peaceful and quite I couldn’t believe it was me experiencing it. Everything suddenly looked so beautiful, colourful, and full of life. I could hear the birds singing, I started noticing the world around me as I could see and feel the beauty in everything. All my senses were so heightened and acute as I never felt so alive in my entire life. I wanted to pinch myself, too good to be true I thought but the feeling of being whole and alive again stayed and evolved as the days passed. I left Thailand full of hope.

Not that my life circumstances have changed, it is just my perception of life is different. I feel confident in myself, I trust myself to make the right choice, to follow the right path, to trust my intuition and to put myself first for once. Many new people have come to my life since the ibogaine experience, some old ones have come back. 

Going forward, I want to trust the process, find the balance, don’t get overwhelmed and led by my emotions that have taken me in the wrong direction more times than I can count. I have no idea what the future holds, but I have faith in myself and that is the greatest gift Iboga has given me and I am beyond grateful. I cannot thank Sasha enough for his continuous support. He’s been with me through a very personal and difficult experience that turned out to be so rewarding. Iboga is not for everyone, and it is not for the faint of heart. Facing yourself is uncomfortable to say the least but there is no growth without suffering, no conquering fears without going right through them. And although Iboga has presented me with the hard truths it has also liberated me from my fears, the sense of not-enoughness and hopelessness. For the first time in my life, I want to believe in myself and my capacity to navigate this world with my best interest at heart.